Notes to Self
From ordering sticky rice to taunting buses of tourists,
notes reminding the author of what to do in Thailand make for a
blueprint for how to travel . . . really travel.by
Joe Franklin
Remember to ask for sticky rice; it’s
great fun! You eat it with your fingers and it doesn’t make a mess.
Sticky rice and fish or pork balls or chicken over rice. It’s the real
Thai food. Fill a plastic bag with ice and pour a bottle of Coke in it.
Throw in a straw and take it to go. Eat it at the bus station or on a
plastic miniature seat next to a little folding table under an awning
while you watch chickens peck at the dirt and scooters go purring by.
Don’t forget to notice their porcelain jockeys. Cute! (I know you
won’t.) In front of you there is a steaming cart on wheels and an old
woman stirring the pot or making homemade toothpicks with a machete.
Imagine yourself being her. It is easier than you first thought, isn’t
it? Watch as an over-packed mini-bus full of tourists passes by, set
down your chopsticks and give them a quick thumbs-up. It’s your misery
they share. Chew the meat off the bones and spit them on the concrete
floor. Wipe your greasy fingers and mouth with a square of old
newsprint. Smile at the children, touch their noses and acknowledge
their mothers, then return to your own business. If what you ordered is
not what you got then you must have been pointing at the wrong thing.
Eat it anyway. When the bus stops at a rice shack for dinner at 3 a.m.
do not wander far. You will be fucked and it will not come back to pick
you up. No matter how tired you are, allow others to practice their
English on you. That’s what you’re here for. And it’s good karma. Avoid
guesthouses called, “Nice guesthouse” or “Cheap guesthouse”. These names
were not chosen at random, and although they might be one, they are
seldom, if ever, both. You may think those speed racer helmets they wear
on their heads are funny but they aren’t. Don’t laugh. Actually, go
ahead if you want; you’ll find your laughter meaningless soon enough.
Drive on the left side of the road. Don’t forget! Learn to squat. It’s
oddly liberating. Don’t raise your voice at the guesthouse receptionist
when you are weary and dirty and hungry and have to pee. She has been
through a thousand of you, suffered more than you, and her sheen is the
kind of polish that doesn’t scratch. Don’t feel guilty when you crave a
Big Mac or the Colonel’s own fried chicken. Resist the impulse to stop
taking pictures. One day you will regret it. Buy a handful of pens and
keep an extra on you at all times to give a child with a dirty face who
tugs on your shirt and places his palms together in prayer. When he
pesters you for more give him a rice cracker. If he continues tickle him
on the neck until he leaves you alone. You’ve done all you can. When the
reclining tuk-tuk drivers in Bangkok shout at you from the shady side of
the street to ask where you’re going, smile and shout back, “Where are
YOU going?” If they grin and ask, “Where you from?” Shout back “Where
are YOU from?” When they ask how long you’ve been here smile and walk
away, count to 10, turn around and notice them sleeping again. Ride a
bike, ride an elephant. Take the bus, take a train. Ride in a tuk-tuk
(“Drive slow, please, driver”), then walk walk walk and find a quiet
place by the river to relax. Remember that just because they eat dog
meat in Vietnam, chicken embryos in Laos, beetles in Thailand and cow
intestines in Cambodia, that doesn’t mean you have to. Fool. Get drunk
on Thai whiskey. Fun! Love your fish sauce, your Tiger Balm, and your $1
flip-flops. Accept that other drivers aren’t trying to run you off the
road; they just want you out of their way. There’s a difference.
Understand that you can either duck your head or keep hitting it
painfully when entering the bathroom. The choice is yours. Notice the
swirls and eddies in the river as you sit on the bank. Remember, they
are your friends. The soft reeds that grow in the shallows, that bend in
the ebb and flow, that catch soft light and flutter in the late
afternoon breeze, they are also your friends. And the sign that reads,
“Eat here. Good food. But don’t steal the chopsticks. Ha ha!” It, too,
is your friend...
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JOE FRANKLIN's
story Fear and Loathing on a Chicken Bus appeared in Restless
Me's inaugural issue in Spring 2005. |
